Woman’s Best Friend

Cammie now, aged 6

There’s no way to describe the bond between a dog and its owner. This little pup just always wants to be by your side, barks a little when there’s someone in front of the house, and will only eat her food if you’re eating. Now, that may sound like a needy dog, but for a person who was suicidal it’s perfect.

She warns me if someone’s coming to the house so the doorbell or knocking doesn’t send me into a panic attack. She reminds me to eat a meal every now and then because I’m making sure she’s eating. She never lets me feel alone because she’s always with me or if I’m in my room, she’s across the hall watching out the window to the front of the house.

She’s a smart dog. I know all owner’s say that, but it’s true. It doesn’t take long to train her to do something (like not jumping on you when you come in the door, shaking your hand, sitting and laying down with hand signals only).

She’s really the perfect dog for me. With all my mental health issues, she balances them out. When I’m down, she comes and lays with me. When I’m getting into a manic phase, she’s there to help me let out the energy in a safe manner. She seems to know when I want to self-harm and she puts her head in my lap.

If you’ve got problems, if you’re lonely, I highly recommend looking into getting a dog. Make sure you can handle the responsibilities and everything that goes with it – money for vet visits. Get it neutered/spayed. And look from a shelter. Those dogs may feel exactly like you do and just need a home and some love. So if you’ve got love to spare and money and are willing to try, adopt a dog. Cammie is a rescue and I couldn’t be happier.

Doctor’s Appointment Pt. 1

This may be too personal.

As a victim of sexual assault, going to the OBGYN once a year is very difficult. It’s one of the most dreaded days of my life. I don’t know how to explain it really. I just feel like enough people have seen the most intimate part of me, and I don’t want anyone else to see it. If that makes sense…

I have a great doctor though. She believes me when I say I’m not sexually active. She tells me everything that she’s doing before she does it, just to prepare me. But there’s just something about it that every single time makes me cry. And I hate crying. Especially in front of people. Especially if those people are virtual strangers.

But it’s something I have to do whether I want to or not. Like going to the dentist. I hate going to the dentist but still have to go.

I’m posting this now to compare my feelings about going before I go and then I’ll make a post about going after and what the appointment was actually like. My appointment isn’t until later in the week, but it’s already giving me borderline panic attacks.

As I’m typing this, the doctor’s office literally just called to confirm my appointment and my heart rate just went through the roof – just talking on the phone with the doctor’s office. I feel so pathetic.

Expect another post soon…

I’m an aunt!

So yes, a while ago I posted about my sister having a baby boy, almost a year ago. Well, in November I became an aunt again! My brother’s wife had a baby boy as well.

It’s strange to think about how these two little boys came from nothing, to existing, and they’re going to have their own lives. Lives with funny stories, sad stories, stories they’ll never tell their families. It’s just a very strange feeling to realize that there’s a new generation in your family coming up. I’ve always been the baby and things always stopped with me, but now there’s a new generation of little baby boys who are going to become rambunctious and wild and so loved. They’ll be so loved, by their parents, by their aunts and uncles, by their grandparents.

How lucky are they?! To grow up in a family knowing that they’ll be loved no matter what happens, to know that no matter what happens they’ll have family to turn to when they’re hurt or scared?

I have that in my immediate family, but not my extended family. Now that I’m these babies extended family I’m going to make sure they know that they can always come to me with anything and that they’re loved so, so much.

Birth… It really is kind of an amazing thing. A miracle. And I got to witness! I got to see them grow in their mom’s bellies; I saw them the day of their birth. I’ll see them the day they graduate high school. Hopefully I’ll be there to see their first date, but I doubt it. But I’ll definitely get to meet the girlfriends or boyfriends they have. Because no matter their gender identity or they sexual orientation or however is the right way to put it (if I’m wrong, tell me in the comments because I’ve never heard differently and I live in a place where being PC isn’t a big thing), no matter any of that, they’ll be loved and cared for. I want to make sure that they always know that. It doesn’t matter any of that stuff. They’re going to grow up to be good people with a family behind them that would do anything for them.

Because that’s what everyone needs and what everyone deserves from their birth. They’re innocent and pure and it’s the world and the people around them that shape them into good people, or people others dislike. But Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. There are no qualifiers on ‘neighbors’ at all. It’s just our neighbors, our fellow people. Humans. We all deserve to be loved, unconditionally.

This started out as a celebration post and turned into a rant. If you’ve read this far, you’re awesome.

tl;dr I now have two nephews to spoil!!

Thanks Y’all

I just want to thank any of you who threw out a prayer for my grandmother because the tests all showed good things, healthy heart, no signs of a stroke or heart attack.

She got to go home last night and sleep in her own bed. I’m sure it was much nicer than a hospital and being woken up every couple of hours to be tested.

A sincere thank you to those of you who prayed!

House Hunting

Sounds more fun than it actually is.

In reality, house hunting is stressful. It’s a lot of money to spend. It’s a big investment and because you’re spending all that money you want it to be the perfect house with the perfect yard in the perfect neighborhood in the right area of town (or not if that’s your preference).

I’m learning all this now. There’s something about going into a totally empty house and trying to imagine it filled with your own belongings while a realtor follows you around blathering on about all the pros of the property. When really, all you want is to be left alone to walk around, look at everything and talk about it with the people who came with you — not the person trying to sell the house to you.

I guess you can call it exciting. But it’s also a little sad to leave the place you’re in. It’s filled with your essence, your memories. For me, it’s my parents leaving the house that I grew up in. My whole life is in that one house and it’s going to be left behind and someone else is going to live there and make memories and change it. It’s the definition of bittersweet.

But the truth is, I’m grateful. I’m grateful that they have the opportunity to move someplace that they really love and is something they really want. I’m blessed to have them as role models in my life because they’re pretty good ones.

Besides all of that, it’s actually getting me out of the house once a week to go to the open houses on Sundays. So that’s always good. But even then, I’m hiding behind a camera. The world seems different through a lens, safer almost. It’s like watching it all on TV instead of living it. Circumspect. Circumspect is a good word for the way I feel about it.

Another Diagnosis

My psychiatrist doesn’t live in my state. She used to, but then she moved and now we have our appointments online. I don’t need to leave the house which is something that I love, but it’s also a problem. Part of the problem is that I stopped going to therapy. I just felt like I wasn’t getting anything from it and I sat in an uncomfortable chair, in a too warm office for an hour and complained. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or what, but them’s the facts.

My new diagnosis, I’m sure you’re wondering what it is. Well, it’s dum, dum dum! … I’m now diagnosed with agoraphobia! What’s agoraphobia, you ask? It’s a type of anxiety disorder where you avoid things that make you uncomfortable, that could bring on a panic attack or other things that you don’t like.

Having PTSD, it makes leaving my house a little difficult and very exhausting. Being on constant alert, not trusting anyone even if they’re just shopping the same aisle in the grocery store as I am, I’m wondering if they’re going to try to steal from me or hurt me, what do they want? The answer: nothing. They don’t care two figs about me. I know this, but my brain doesn’t when I’m in the moment.

So basically, my agoraphobia means that I don’t leave the house. And when I say that I don’t leave the house, I mean literally I don’t leave the house. I’ve gone into the garage a handful of times. I’ve been in the front yard three times and the back four times. That’s all been since mid-July 2019? I have left the house I think twice to go to my sister’s, but that’s in straight into the car and then straight into her house for the remainder of the trip. Other than my sister’s, I went to my brother’s once late at night to pick up his dog (his baby was in the hospital-whole other story I might tell you later).

Being agoraphobic in this day and age isn’t all that bad. I mean, all the streaming services (Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, Disney+, YouTube TV) and I can watch literally anything I want. I can have a meal delivered to me from almost any restaurant. And I’ve just recently learned that grocery stores will do the shopping for me. I pick out what I want from online, someone goes around and picks it all up, I pay for it online and then it miraculously shows up at my front door!

So while it isn’t all that bad for me, it actually is that bad for me. Because it doesn’t force me to go out and do things, leave the house. It’s much easier to sink back further into my hole. But since I’ve decided that I’ll be posting something on here once a week, I’ll have to get out and do something. Something that I can talk about. So don’t worry! I’ll try to keep this the least boring blog as possible.

Hello old friend

So it’s been a long time. We’ve entered a whole new decade in fact and still I haven’t written. (I’m doing this on mobile because it’s not quite 6 am and I am not getting out of bed for my computer.)

I’m going to try to write one post a week. That seems manageable.

Today I’ll catch you up a little. Remember that time I was at the beach? I was staying in my grandmother’s condo which she would rent out (but we got free use). It got a make over (first time since the 70s) and it’s gorgeous and comfortable now. Also, it’s just recently been taken off the rental options now! Now it’s just the family’s to use whenever we need or want to. It’s going to be really nice.

I’ve also started school. I’m not sure, I may have already told you that. But anyway. I’m in school taking my classes and even though it’s only 9 week courses, they can be pretty intense. Which is really why I’ve fallen off of writing here is because I write so much more than I expected to in psychology class. But that’s major so, stiff upper lip and do the work!

I’m down to needing 10 classes to graduate but there are three more I want to take before I graduate that I don’t technically need – ASL. I’ve kind of become obsessed with it. I bought a “dictionary” of sorts of words and have been teaching myself the vocabulary online and a little of the grammar structure. The truth is, though, you really need another person to teach it and practice it with you. I don’t like taking two classes at once because it stresses me out so much, but I’m hoping if I enjoy the two classes that it’ll be much easier to do. I’m already enrolled for ASL 1 next semester and learned I need a webcam. I have a MacBook so it’s got a camera and I’m hoping I don’t have to buy another. I understand the camera is necessary but putting my face out there makes me really uncomfortable. I’m always the one behind the camera taking pictures or filming. But again, stiff upper lip. I really want to learn it. I think it’s a beautiful language that’s 3D and amazing. So it should be worth it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you come back next week sometime and read another thank you! I should warn you that I have absolutely no theme in mind. It’ll just go with whatever my mood of the day is. And it can be pretty sporadic.

See y’all next time! 🤟🏼

It’s a BOY!!

The baby is here! We’re all waiting in the waiting room before we can go and actually see the baby and momma.

I cannot wait. I’m so pumped! We’ll finally learn the name too! My sister and her husband have been keeping the name a secret the whole time. So I can’t wait!

So excited!!!

Official Student and Baby Watch

I’m officially going back to school to finish my degree in psychology!

Due to my PTSD, anxiety, and depression along with my many other mental health issues, I was forced to take a hiatus from school. That short term break turned into 6 years.

But I’m going back now! It’s totally online, 100%, which I love. It’s perfect for someone like me.

Baby Watch.

My sister is pregnant and is due to be induced later this week because she’s so far past her due date that she just can’t stand it anymore.

They haven’t told us the name, but we do know that it’s a boy. So I’m going to be an aunt. I’m going to have a nephew to spoil rotten and even though I can’t emote that publicly and show how excited I really am (mental health issues), I am truly very excited. And nervous. I’ve never really been around babies much, but this is one I get to spoil and send home to their parents on a sugar high!

So that’s my fun news of the week! I’m going back to school, and I’m going to be an aunt!

Anyone else with exciting news? Or boring news? News of any nature really…